


Without you I'll be miserable at best

by WritingWren



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Maybe - Freeform, One Shot, You Have Been Warned, a little bit, a lot of - Freeform, canonverse, ereri, it also might get cheesy, mentioned Hanji and Erwin - Freeform, this is pretty tame like all of my stuff, this will hurt you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-11 00:19:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5606440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingWren/pseuds/WritingWren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ereri one shot based on <a href="http://hikariix.tumblr.com/post/75630722350/imagine-an-ereri-canonverse-prompt-to-this">this</a><br/>Set in the canonverse, ten years after humanity's victory over the titans. </p><p>Eren has been turned from a monster into a hero, an even god-like saint. Levi stands on the sidelines and watches him live. He's done so for ten years and he doesn't intend to stop because, honestly, all he wants is for Eren to be happy. Both of them have changed over the past ten years, grown apart...<br/>...Or maybe they didn't?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without you I'll be miserable at best

**Author's Note:**

> SO I've been working on this since March last year and I really like this and I hope so do you guys~ 
> 
> Beta-ed by [Umi](http://umidarkocean.tumblr.com/)  
> SPECIAL THANKS TO BUNNY because she read this long before it was finished and technically she's the one who told me to continue writing it (seriously, I thought this was good but I would've stopped writing if it wasn't for her)
> 
> I'm dying for some feedback on this, as well as any spelling or grammar mistakes that might have escaped Umi's as well as my eyes, so if you find any don't be shy, write a comment and let me know (also let me know what you liked and disliked in general, that'd be great okay I'll stop rambling now I might be a tad nervous xD)
> 
> Enjoy~ \\(^o^)/

_Chaos._  
_The final battle, the last titan -Eren has killed it, Eren in his own titan form that he won't use again for the next ten years and most likely never will..._  
_The huge body falls as the boy, who has by now learned to control his power, lets go of it._  
_It dissolves, leaving a body behind that is so much more fragile, so much smaller..._  
_Chaos._  
_Everything around Levi is a haste, a blur of sounds and colors as he rushes to the boy's side. He can still remember the words that have been spoken back then, "Will you really be able to 'handle the matter accordingly', Levi?"_  
_Chaos._  
_The unconscious body in his arms._  
_Pulse. A pulse, a heartbeat, faint but still there._  
_'Thank god. Thank god, thank god, thank all the fucking gods...!'_  
_Alive._

The days, weeks, months after this had been nothing but a clutter of sadness, mourning, never ending funerals but also happiness over the new won freedom, medals and glory and practically worshipping of the Survey Corp's survivors. Those who had been mocked as hopeless, stupid idealists were now turned into heroes and saints, some of them adored like gods.

Humanity had needed new ones now that they'd teared down the walls the old religion had praised so much. All except for wall Sina. Those damn nobles clung to their wealth, entrenching behind the last wall in their perfect little world.

But he wasn't really one to talk, was he? He was here, too, within the wall, wearing clothes fitting the... _festivity_ he had to take part in today. All that remained of who he really was was his cravat, the rest was too uncomfortably genteel for the war veteran and former thug. This wasn't his world. This wasn't his life, not what he'd wanted.

He hadn't set himself free from everything to be locked up in this golden cage afterwards. He had wanted to be free, absolutely, totally free, not bound by anything, free to see the world, to discover new places and -most important- to smell the clear, fresh air of the outside world without having to fear for his life.

When he'd been still a brat himself, living a filthy life on the streets, he'd craved the lifestyle of the nobles. He'd wanted to get there, made it his goal to do so sometime, somehow... Life had delusioned him, though, mercilessly as it was. He'd learned that all those rich folks where nothing than fat, lazy bastards who didn't care about anything that didn't fit in their perfect little lifes. He'd come to hate them and what they stood for.

And yet, here he was. One of them? Somehow, yes. Which made him hate himself even more than he already did. He couldn't stand what he'd become, and yet he wouldn't change anything about it. And all because of _him_.

He. The brat, the boy, the young man, the noble by now; he'd turned from a monster into a saint, a demigod at least, loved by everyone because he'd been the key to humanity's victory. They courted him wherever he went, surrounded him and showered him in affections -and he let them. He enjoyed this, and who could blame him? He'd worked hard for this, he'd risked his life hundreds of times, had even agreed to act as a guinea pig for Hanji. He'd every right to lead a comfortable life, a life that made him happy.

Eren. Even thinking his name hurt more than anything else ever could. Levi remained cold and emotionless on the outside, but that didn't mean there was no storm raging within him. When there still had been a choice to just reject every honor and retreat back into the shadows of a simple life he'd decided to follow the brat he'd felt responsible for into the last wall.

Eren, craving for the affection of the masses, had gladly accepted the invitation and had moved on into a new life, allowing himself to get swallowed by it. They'd grown apart over the last few years, until it came to the point where he and Levi barely talked at all. The point where Levi still went to celebrations and ceremonies with him, only to stand at the side or in a corner watching the one that mattered speaking to those courting him.

Levi saw them dancing with him, clenching his hands to fists, saw them even _kissing_ him, lightly, on the cheek; saw _him_ kissing _them_ , back on the cheek or the hand while all the broken man could do was grit his teeth and remain quiet. If this was what made Eren happy, who was he to take it away or even disturb it?

At least he had his peace; people had stopped talking to him when he'd made clear they better pissed off. He emptied glass after glass of wine, thinking about the past as he watched Eren living in the present.

He was a thousand miles away, even if they were standing less than a dozen steps apart. There were too many people around him to see him anymore; and suddenly Levi thought that this could be seen as a metaphor of their entire lifes: Eren wasn't to be seen anymore; Levi knew where he was but he couldn't reach him and he didn't even know if the boy who'd become a man over the past ten years even remembered him.

The room began to spin around him; voices, the song played by the musicians and all those noises that were inevitable in a room so full of people as this hall was melted into one. Too much wine? But usually he didn't get drunk, and he hadn't even reached his limit yet. He needed fresh air. He needed to get out of here. Now.

Placing his almost empty glass on one of the little tables that were placed alongside the wall he headed for the door, ignoring the servant that was positioned beside it to wish leaving guests a good evening. This wouldn't be a good evening anyway. It hadn't been till now, just like any other.

His feet carried him outside, through the corridors and halls until he could fill his lungs with the brisk night air. This wasn't the street, not totally outside the building, because he intended to go back. Levi never left before Eren, even if the younger man might not even notice it.

The two of them might arrive together, but soon enough Eren was surrounded by people again, people who led him away from Levi who stayed at the side. Most of the times he went home with someone else, probably simply forgetting about Levi. And maybe that was one of the things that hurt most.

And still he would stay as long as the brunette would. What he'd found here was a little garden, made to enjoy sunny days in and certainly not taken care of by the owners of the house but the servants yet again. Most of what Levi could see in the moonlight might've been called 'lovely' or 'beautiful' by others, but he didn't really take a look.

He found a mamoreal bench he sat down on, taking deep, slow breaths to calm himself. His head stung, throbbed and he buried it in his hands -just what was this? Maybe it was because he didn't sleep enough, he barely did at all. Just what had become of him? He was-

-interrupted when he felt a hand on his shoulder. _That_ was what had become of him. He hadn't even noticed that somebody had closed up on him. The soldier within him, the one that bore the title of humanity's strongest, had fallen asleep at some point during the peace. He was still there, though. Levi flinched, his reflexes taking over, ready to defend himself from what- or whomever.

"Eren?"

His chest tightened up as the word rather fell out of his mouth than he'd actually said it.

"Levi," Eren replied in a voice that had gotten deeper as he'd grown up, with a level of self-confidence Levi would've never thought he could have back when he'd first met him... Well, he'd always been self-confident, but more in a hotheaded way. He'd blurted out whatever thought crossed his mind, without thinking of consequences. He had changed so much; now he was calm and... staid, if that's how you could call it. "Are you alright?"

"Where's your tail?" Levi asked instead of answering.

Eren raised an eyebrow. "You mean the others? They don't follow me around all the time, you know?"

"Yes they do."

"Fine, they do, but not if I tell them not to."

So that was the reason. And still... "Why?"

"Because I saw you leaving, and I wanted to look after you -alone. You're my oldest friend."

Friend. Were they friends anymore? Most of the time it felt like they didn't know each other at all. Old, though... that fit. Levi wasn't getting younger. And still he was about to waste his life in this golden cage when he would've just needed to open the door and fly away. Not that that would've made any sense if he left Eren behind.

"How long has it been since we last talked to each other?" Eren asked now, interrupting his thoughts that were leading into dangerous territory.

A week? More or less. No, exactly. Levi had counted every day. He hadn't really seen nor talked to Eren for seven days, almost eight since today was nearing its end. And still, now that the brat who had become a young man was standing in front of him, he couldn't speak. He just wasn't able to say what he would've needed to.

"Dunno. Does it matter?"

"It does!" came the unexpected fierce answer. Was there still something of the brat in him? That had almost sounded like the Eren he knew...

"Levi, you're my oldest friend," Eren repeated, in a calmer tone now, sitting down beside him with a rustling of his robes. "You've been my Corporal and superior, my mentor... You're one of the most important persons in my life. You didn't seem well, so tell me if there's anything wrong, _please_."

That asshole had no clue how much his words actually hurt Levi. Talking to him like that... hadn't he noticed yet that both of them had changed over the years, that Eren sheered off and Levi was left behind, even more broken than he'd ever been before? Hadn't he noticed that Levi wasn't an important person to him any longer? Hell, they barely talked! How could he still sit here and honestly pretend -or maybe he didn't even pretend, maybe he really thought that way- that they were close?

"Nah, I'm alright."

" _Levi_."

"There's nothing wrong," Levi repeated stoically. Actually, everything was wrong, his life was just as much of a mess as he was, but Eren would be the last person to discuss this with.

"Just go back to your tail and enjoy the night -whatever it is they are celebrating for." He waved his hand as if to shoo Eren away, just as he'd done some times in the past. Silence found its way into the little garden, but the man who'd actually caused all those sleepless nights and Levi's headache didn't leave.

Green-ish blue eyes looked him over, and for a second it felt like it hadn't felt in ten years. Back when Eren had been a monster to most people, who was accepted by the military because he was considered a key weapon. Levi's squad had started to see the boy behind the weapon, but soon after they'd died. The only ones who'd truly and only acknowledged him for _who_ instead of _what_ he was, had been Armin, Mikasa and some of the other 104th Trainee Squad's members. Well, Annie, Reiner and Berthold had turned out to be traitors and they'd died in the end. Just like so many others.

Then there'd been Levi. He'd never been good at showing his feelings, and he hadn't let the brat know that behind his emotionless face and his sarcasm he really liked him. Apart from feeling responsible for him, he'd begun to respect him for his determination, to even admire him for always getting up again. It had hurt him to see how much the world hurt that boy, and he'd sworn to himself that he'd ensure that Eren could find happiness sometime.

He'd sworn to not let him die; after all there'd still been the possibility that people would never stop seeing Eren as a monster. There'd been the possibility that they decided to get rid of him after the last titan's death -because technically the last titan was him. Luckily that hadn't been necessary. Seemed like humanity wasn't as much of a bitch as he'd thought -at least at times.

"Are you jealous of me?" Eren suddenly asked after a moment of silence, confused as it seemed. For a moment Levi had almost forgotten that he was still here. Well at least he still was as dumb as ever. It was enough. More than he could take at the moment. Enough to make what was left of his mask crack.

"I'm not!" Levi hissed back. That brat wouldn't see the truth if it danced in front of him fucking naked. "I'm not fuckin' jealous of _you_ , I'm jealous of _them_!"

The confusion in Eren's eyes only grew bigger, as all those feelings Levi had hidden and surpressed so well until now flooded him without any warning, without a chance of stopping them. And all because of one question. Nothing could hold him on his seat any longer, not when Eren was sitting there, too close for Levi at the moment. He stood up, suddenly and without any warning, startling the younger man for a second.

Levi didn't have the heart to apologise right now -he would have done it, if only he could. "I'm going to see Hanji and Erwin," he said instead, trying to remain calm enough to not make the brat worry even more. He left without looking back. Hopefully Eren would just leave him be and return to the party.

* * *

The night was brisk and the side streets Levi chose were dark enough to make him feel more comfortable. His breath slowed down eventually, he was able to compose his thoughts and to think more clearly.

_Oh shit, I've given away too much..._

Maybe Eren hadn't even noticed, though. There was still hope. What Levi needed now was company from someone who wasn't him. Even if he craved that boy's company most of the time. Yet at the same time he wouldn't even be able to watch him like he always did right now...

_God-fucking-damn..._

He needed Hanji and Erwin now, who'd known him for most of his life, who'd, in Erwin's case, even given his life a new purpose.

Too bad he'd only have their gravestones to listen to his sorrows. Both of them had not lived to see humanity's victory. And both of them were loved by people -now. Crazy enough, since Erwin had been executed by them. Now, after what he'd said all along had turned out to be true, he was worshipped as a hero. Hanji, as his sucsessor, had been buried next to him. She'd died during the last battle; Levi liked the idea that she'd known of humanity's victory though.

Both of their tombstones where huge, marble monuments, Erwin's being higher than Hanji's actually. People came here every day to tell their children, who'd been born after the last battle, about the heroes who'd set them free; they placed flowers and little gifts at the foot of the graves and even prayed here. It was absurd.

There was enough space between the graves to lean against one while facing the other; Levi sat down against Hanji's, looking at what was left in this world of Erwin.

The graves and the little space between them became his world as everything else faded away. This felt safe somehow. Usually he wouldn't have sat down in the dirt - _hell_ , he hated dirt more than anything!- and that he didn't care right now was sure sign that he was a wreck. He didn't know how long he just sat there without saying anything until he finally opened his mouth.

"How've you two been doin'?" he asked, as if they'd answer him if only he started a conversation. "Y'know, I'm just as much a wreck as ever... even more so, to be honest. I don't even know why I'm here right now." He'd only visited their graves one time before -he just hadn't been able to find the courage to do so when he was still alive while them, who'd been so much better than him in any way, were gone.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore," he muttered. "Would it be better if I'd lie there beside you? I wonder if they'd worship me too, then..." Not that that was what he'd want anyway. Levi fell silent, lost in his thoughts and memories. For once he allowed his mask to break and show everything he felt; he couldn't care less.

He didn't hear the quiet rustling of Eren's clothes as the brunette walked up to him. He didn't hear him calling his name with a soft voice, didn't see how the younger man tried to hold back his tears as he saw Levi sitting there. As he saw everything Levi hadn't said, everything Eren hadn't noticed till now. It took Eren reaching out for him, touching his shoulder, to make him return from the lonely place at the bottom of his heart.

"Lev," he said, his voice almost cracking but yet strong, kneeling down beside him as his grip on the older man's shoulder tightened.

Levi winced, surprised not to be alone any longer and desperately trying to put on his mask again although Eren had seen all of it already.

"Why're you here?!" he snapped, and he instantly regretted his tone. He hadn't meant to hurt Eren, and yet it seemed that'd been exactly what he'd done. He really was good for nothing.

"Sorry," he added. "I didn't mean to... I'm just surprised you're here, that's all."

"You _did_ mean it," Eren replied. "And it seems I deserved it. That I didn't notice you were feeling that wretched... I'm the one who has to apologize."

"You don't have to," Levi retorted, shaking his head tiredly. "I-" _didn't tell you after all._

His words were cut off as Eren laid his arms around him, suddenly pulling him closer, against his chest. Levi, in his surprise, didn't do anything, for a moment not even able to understand what was going on. Why was this happening all of a sudden? He was close enough to breath in the other's scent, close enough to hear his heartbeat...

_A pulse, a heartbeat, faint but still there. Alive._

Only this time it wasn't faint but strong.

The moment lasted only a few seconds before Levi pulled away. He shot a glare at Eren, confused and angry at the same time. "What the hell was that for?!" he asked. Amazingly green-ish blue irises widened in surprise. "I don't know- I felt like- It felt right to- I'm sorry." He breathed out the apology as he slouched his shoulders. So there sure as hell was something of the brat left... That had been the one he'd known back then, the one he thought would've vanished by now.

"Sure," he huffed. "You don't know anything, do ya?" Those words came straight from that place deep within him where the soldier, the corporal, was sleeping. So maybe his old self wasn't as broken and useless as he had thought.

"I don't think I do any longer..." Eren replied. "I guess we need to talk, eh?"

"Great idea." Levi's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Let's have our first real talk in -what? Two months?- on a grave yard right next to what is left of my two closest friends." He could tell that his words had hurt Eren -again.

Because they had been a terrible truth, they had been his closest friends, almost his family, and Eren hadn't been included. Because Levi didn't know anymore. He didn't know if he could call him a friend any longer. Not when they didn't even talk.

That didn't mean that he was able to live without him, that he could leave and still keep his heart beating in his chest. He would stay, whatever happened; as long as Eren didn't tell him to disappear he would continue to live next to him, to watch him at those parties. But it didn't mean he'd ever be closer to him than that, either.

* * *

"Do you want tea?"

Levi nodded at that, leaning against the wall instead of sitting down. He watched Eren getting to work, silently, radiating a sense of calm he hadn't possessed when he'd been younger. Just when had the brat settled down that much? It hurt a little, knowing that he had to have lost some of his passion in exchange.

They were at his house, in his kitchen to be more precise, because Eren had asked him to come along. It was a good house, a home for sure. The place where Eren had left signs of who was living here all around. Levi had been here before, although the last time dated back quite some time, but he'd never been in this room. He wondered why.

Eren put down two cups on the table, sitting down himself and waiting for Levi, who, with a little annoyed sigh, pushed off of the wall and followed suit.

"So..." Levi looked around. "What're we doin' here?"

Eren took a sip of his tea. If he hadn't known better, Levi would've said he looked confused and embarrassed, like he had looked most of the time when he'd still been a brat. But that couldn't be.

When Levi didn't say anything more Eren had no other choice but to answer. He seemed uncomfortable.

“Why... why are you jealous of them?” he asked, his cheeks reddening slightly, his eyes fixed on his cup instead of Levi.

Maybe it was better this way, because he didn't notice Levi's eyes widening at the unexpected question, his breath catching for a mere second, not long enough to be heard but to be seen, the overall stricken expression on his face.

What to say now? He surely couldn't answer the question truthfully. He'd never make himself this vulnerable, not in front of anybody. Not even if Eren was the only one who'd see. _Especially_ not if Eren was the only one who'd see.

He regained his composure just in time for Eren to look up.

“Why?” he asked again, almost desperate. Levi still didn't reply. This felt so unrealistic. It was absurd. Probably even more so than people executing Erwin just to treat him like a martyre later on.

“I-” He couldn't say that, could he? Not in front of Eren. Not even in front of himself.

" _What?_ _"_ Eren asked, desperate now. “Levi, _tell_ _me_. Do you want my position? Is it that? Is that why you're always watching me but never coming closer?”

“Huh?” That... It could be seen like that? Maybe... “Well you certainly didn't need me there, with all of them around you. You had more than enough company.”

Eren looked down again. All at once he looked tired, like he hadn't slept either. “You know,” he admitted quietly, “I would've send them all away if you would've come over.”

“You... what?” Levi's left in disbelief at Eren's words; but they had to be the truth. He looked so small, suddenly, so open and vulnerable... so much like the boy he'd once been... there was no way he could fake this.

“I would have,” Eren nodded. “I would. Anytime. They... they're a duty, but I can take a break from time to time... don't you think?”

A duty? He called all those people who followed him a duty? That's all they were to him? For a moment Levi could only stare at him in confusion, not caring the slightest if the boy saw or not. Out of Eren's mouth 'duty' sounded more like 'burden' than anything else. Was that how he'd been feeling all this time? Had he been carrying just another burden, when he'd just been released from the first one?

Levi didn't want to believe that. Yet he might have to. He snapped back into the here and now, noticing that he'd been staring at Eren, making him feel uncomfortable. He'd started to fidget and opened his mouth to say something -probably something incredibly heroically stupid- but Levi beat him to it.

“Eren,” he said quietly, calm. Inside he was screaming. “Those people, the parties, all of that shit, is it more to you than a duty and a burden?” He had to know. Had to know if all of that, the attention and the luxury and the people courting him, were what Eren wanted. If all of that was what made him happy. Levi had always thought that it was, but he wasn't sure anymore.

“I...” Eren started, his voice trailing off. He was looking away again, anywhere but at Levi. One could think he was trying to hide behind his cup. “It's okay,” he said finally, and Levi got the impression that he'd been going to say something else but had changed his mind. Damn stupid brat, always pretending to be fine when really he was sacrificing everything, giving all he had.

“Eren.” There he was, the Corporal. He'd been asleep for far too long, but now he was back as if he'd never left in the first place, and in that one word lay all his authority. It got Eren's attention immediately. “Are you happy like this?”

“W-What?” the boy stuttered, and after a short pause he added, “Sir?”

“I asked if you are happy to live your life like this.”

“I... I guess?” came the reply, and it sounded so much more like a question than an actual answer. “I mean, I've got anything I could wish for, haven't I? Everybody likes me, and... and they need me here...”

Except that he wasn't free. He'd fought to free humanity, to enlargen the world, but instead of living in it he had turned to an even smaller one. A golden cage but a cage nontheless. Levi had always thought he'd done so because that's the life he wanted, but even if Eren didn't admit it directly, it was clear now that he'd just sacrificed himself again.

Damn stupid brat.

Levi growled before he could think, then fell quiet when he saw Eren flinch. Sighed, covering his face with the hand that wasn't holding the tea.

“Eren.”

“Y-Yes?”

“I'm not mad at you, stupid brat.”

“Oh... uh, good...?”

It was actually hard work to keep the smile from his lips at those words. That was the fifteen year old brat he knew. Probably in the body of an adult now -not that he hadn't been an adult at age fifteen, that's inevitable if you see what he'd seen- but still the same.

“That's it. We're leaving.”

“W-What?”

Levi stood, drank the last of his tea and sat the cup down on the table not-too-carefully, the sound underlining his words.

“Leaving. We're not staying here any longer. You've done enough.”

Eren stared at him. He didn't even say anything; Levi wasn't sure he even could. “C'mon now,” he prompted again. “We're gonna see the world we fought for.”

“But I can't!” At least now Eren jumped up. He looked furious, stunned and hesitant all at once. “Didn't you listen, Levi? Didn't you watch me long enough to see that they need me here? I can't just... go.” Yes, there was definitely also bitterness in those words now.

So he'd changed a little, huh? Questioning an order from his corporal... Well, Levi -the soldier Levi, humanity's strongest- knew how to deal with that. “I said we'll go so we will. I won't allow you to live in this fucking depressing golden cage if it's not what you want!”

That had Eren freeze; whatever he'd been about to say was blown away, his words taken because there's nothing more to be said. There was no way Eren, if he was anything like Levi remembered him to be, would still argue now. Not with that look his corporal gave him, with that kind of authority in his voice he hadn't used in ages.

It felt like breathing free for the first time in ten years. But he knew, this was nothing compared to the outside world.

“I...” Eren was still hesitant, but he seemed to have forgotten about all of his arguments. He was tired of living for others. He wanted to live for himself for once. He wanted to see the ocean Armin had dreamed of. With a sigh all of his fight left him. “Alright,” he breathed.

Well, that had been easy... Now, Levi smiled. “C'mon now, I won't say it again. I'm tired of these walls, so I'm gonna leave. And you're gonna come along. I don't give a shit about what they think, they'll live.”

And with that, he turned to leave. And Eren followed.

**Author's Note:**

> I live for comments! Tell me what you liked or disliked so I can improve! Thank you for reading~


End file.
